Putting the I in Impostor
Image Description: Black and white scene from a science fiction or horror movie with a human figure walking in a forest fog towards a much larger figure of an alien or monster holding its hands up and staring at the human with bright white eyes. Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay.
First a shameless plug: I will be joining my dear friend and colleague Amy Wilson and Kevin Shah online twice this week to discuss Impostor Syndrome. First up on Tuesday, May 11 from 3:00-3:15 pm EDT on the Empathy Power Up on Restream (which you can watch streamed live or catch at a time more convenient for you on LinkedIn or Facebook). Then, on Thursday, May 13 at 7 pm EDT, join in on the conversation on Clubhouse. (If you are not already on Clubhouse, but would like to check it out, contact me for an invitation. It’s now available on both iPhone and Android).
I started with the plug because, when Amy first contacted me about being a part of a conversation about impostor syndrome, my initial response was that I don’t consider myself an expert on impostor syndrome. Oh the irony!
This opportunity came about because I recently posted on my personal Facebook page about an observation about how we talk about Impostor Syndrome, especially among artists. I was coming across more and more male artists who weren’t even familiar with the term whereas most female artists not only were familiar with it, but knew it like that pesky bee that just won’t leave you alone.
For those of you of any gender identity who are still unfamiliar with the term, Impostor Syndrome refers to a psychological phenomenon where even high-achieving individuals suffer from self-doubt and fear of being exposed as a fraud or impostor. Case in point: the person who has researched and written about impostor syndrome as part of a book about creative resilience, but still resists the notion that she could speak about it with any level of expertise.
Interestingly some scientific studies indicate there is not a significant gender difference, with Impostor Syndrome affecting as much as 85% of those studied. I do sometimes wonder if it manifests itself in different ways in people who have been socialized in different ways. It’s also important to acknowledge that we can’t discuss Impostor Syndrome only by looking at male/female distinctions since there are many people who may not define themselves by a binary of gender and whose earlier identities may have been developed around feeling like an impostor. Additionally there are many who have intersectional identities that can impact how they view themselves in the context of the world around them. As one colleague commented on my Facebook post, “The experience of imposter syndrome is created by structural factors that make some people feel inadequate. That they are not worthy or enough. While the same structural factors encourage others to feel entitled.”
This was one of 70 comments I received about Impostor Syndrome on my Facebook post. Here’s a sampling of some of the other responses, a thoroughly non-scientific study of my peers:
I get it too. No idea if it is as profound as others, but it’s always waiting for me.
I experience it on a consistent basis. Have learned to push it away but it’s a struggle.
I definitely wrestle with the feelings; and it's hard for me to imagine true creatives of any gender who don't wrestle with them on some level.
It’s simply lack of confidence. And one has to find a way to fight through it.
The language struck me. Struggle. Wrestle. Fight. Waiting for me. Impostor Syndrome was being described as a monster or criminal. Confidence was being described as something that could be missing or that one must find somewhere...that is, if you don’t get attacked by the ImpostorMonster first.
Yet what if we thought about confidence in a different way? Instead of it being a lack of something, what if we thought about it as a bob or weight on a pendulum? It can swing all the way in one direction to represent over-confidence and arrogance. Then it can swing all the way in the other direction to represent under-confidence and extreme humility. Most of us ride this pendulum all the time, based on a variety of factors. How experienced are we with our artistic discipline? What is our comfort with taking risks? How do we relate to others - colleagues, competitors, and critics? Do we get attached to a fixed view of authenticity over the skill of “faking it until you make it?” What else is going on in our lives at the time? The answers to these questions may vary across time and across different aspects of our work.
For example, I feel very confident in environments where filmmakers are giving feedback to other filmmakers because I have been a part of that world for more than 15 years. Yet I am about to pitch my book for the first time to literary agents and feel terrified, even though it is really the exact same process. WhileI am confident in my writing and the topic of creative resilience, I am also nervous because it is my first book. I am both experienced and a beginner. I also know there are other factors of how these pitches will go. It is being done online (not in person). It will take place at the end of a very busy week at work when I am likely to be tired. Pitch tips can feel so overwhelming: Make it conversational, but know your stuff. Get straight to the point, but make us want to read more. Make sure you practice, but don’t sound overly prepared. Make sure to fit in the key point of the book, the genre, the comps, the word count, and your target audience, but do so in just one minute.
I cite this example to demonstrate that all of these factors and challenges will impact where I am on that confidence pendulum. I am both the person writing the book I was born to write and the person who sometimes wonders if I have any business thinking I could be an author. Yet that doubt is also why this is the book I was born to write. So yes, I am an Impostor and I am also not. It is not worth squandering precious creative time on fighting something that is part of who I am. All I can do is recognize my inner impostor exists and remember that the pendulum is always in motion.
Indeed I am an expert on Impostor Syndrome and likely you are too.
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